Okay, can we talk about something that's been on my mind lately?
I was scrolling through some research recently, and I stumbled onto something that made me stop and think. A child psychologist named Dr. Kenneth Barish recently pointed out that more than 40% of teenagers in the U.S. are reporting ongoing feelings of sadness or hopelessness. That's not just a number—those are kids. Grandkids. Maybe yours.
But here's what caught my attention: Dr. Barish thinks grandparents might be part of the answer. And honestly? It makes a lot of sense when you think about it.
We've gotten away from how we were meant to raise kids
Dr. Barish, who's spent 40 years working with families, puts it this way: "We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most American parents have now."
Think about that for a second. For most of human history, kids grew up surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins—a whole village, not just two exhausted parents trying to do it all alone.
Now, I'm not here to judge anyone. Life is complicated, families are scattered, and lots of people don't have grandparents nearby. But maybe we've lost something valuable along the way.
The pressure-cooker problem
Here's something that really struck me. Dr. Barish talks about how we've become what he calls "a society of I, not We." We've placed so much emphasis on individual achievement—getting into the right school, getting the best grades, being the best—that we may have accidentally squeezed out some of the really important stuff.
Like kindness. Like caring about others. Like just being a decent human being.
And research backs this up. Kids who feel enormous pressure to achieve often end up dealing with anxiety, depression, and other struggles. Individual achievement, as Dr. Barish puts it, can be "a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress."
This is where grandparents come in.
The real value grandparents bring
Dr. Barish talks about something he calls "molecules of emotional health." That sounds a bit scientific, but really, it's just about those small moments—encouragement, attention, understanding—that help kids feel secure.
He says: "More than anything else, children need someone in their life who listens, who helps them feel less alone, and who teaches them that problems can be solved, relationships can be repaired, and bad feelings do not last forever."
Grandparents are often in the perfect position to provide this. They have time that busy parents might not always have. They've been around long enough to know that most problems aren't as catastrophic as they feel when you're 12. And honestly? They often just plain enjoy kids in a way that feels different from the daily grind of parenting.
A gentle reminder about criticism
Now, let me share something from Dr. Barish's work that I think is really important.
He says the most common problem he sees in families isn't too much praise—it's too much criticism. That's counterintuitive, right? We often think kids need to hear when they've done wrong, need to be pushed harder.
But research shows that frequent criticism often breeds resentment and actually undermines kids' motivation. It doesn't help them try harder. It makes them want to give up.
Instead, Dr. Barish suggests focusing on effort rather than results. "Praise effort, not intelligence or talent. Praise learning, not grades."
This applies to grandparents too, by the way. Those moments of "I can see you worked really hard on this" or "I love how you didn't give up" can be incredibly powerful.
What can we actually do?
So what does this look like in real life? Dr. Barish recommends a few things:
- Spend time together as a family doing things for others—volunteering, helping neighbors, whatever fits your situation
- Have regular conversations about kindness, empathy, and understanding other people's feelings
- Make sure kids know you actually hear them—not just hearing their words, but really listening
He puts it simply: "These conversations strengthen a child's sense of meaning and purpose. They are just as important as making sure kids have done their homework and correcting their mistakes, maybe more."
A thought to leave you with
I don't know about you, but thinking about my own grandparents makes me feel something warm. They weren't perfect, but they loved me in a way that felt unconditional. They had perspective. They made me feel like I mattered, not for what I accomplished, but just for who I was.
Maybe that's what Dr. Barish is really talking about—that irreplaceable gift that grandparents can give. Not fixing everything, not solving every problem, but simply being there, listening, and reminding our kids that they're not alone in this complicated world.
If you've got grandparents in your life, maybe reach out today and thank them. And if you're a grandparent yourself? Know that what you offer matters more than you might realize.